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  • Writer's pictureC S Marks

“New and Exclusive”….ummm, whatever works!

So, the other day I was shopping for a cooler to take with me to the conventions–I like to pack my own food and drinks, y’know? I stroll down the aisle in sporting goods, looking over the shelves packed with coolers of all sizes and colors, when something catches my eye. It’s a rather ordinary red plastic cooler, but it bears a BIG label that reads: “New!! Now with exclusive Enviro-cool system.” So, what the heck is that? I wonder. I read the smaller print. It mentions “the latest in cooling technology.”

“Cool!” I say, oblivious to the bad pun, turning the cooler over to read all about the latest technological breakthrough. Well…it was a bit underwhelming, actually. The Enviro-cool system means the cooler has little wee feet. Yep. Air can flow beneath it (supposedly, though I reckon setting it down in the grass would essentially negate any benefit). The label extols the virtue of raising the bottom of the cooler above hot concrete or sand (though sand would have much the same effect as grass, I’m thinkin’).

Actually, I’m not here to debate the benefits of wee feet on a cooler. It’s the marketing that impresses me. Enviro-cool? Latest technology? Really?

Maybe I should take a page out of this manufacturer’s book. We can always use a new tag line, after all–hmmmm. First, it should contain both of the words “new” and “exclusive.” There should be many exclamation points. And above all, it should either exaggerate or obfuscate. Let’s try a few, shall we?

“ELFHUNTER–now with new, exclusive gravitational arachno-elimination technology!!!” (Yes, you CAN whack spiders with it.)

“ELFHUNTER–now with all-new, exclusive corporeal elevation technology!!” (You can stand on your copy and reach things on taller shelves.) Oh…not enough exclamation points? Right. Here ya go. !!!!!

“THE FIRE KING–new streamlined design with exclusive manual enviro-cool system technology!!!” (It’s a novella. You can fan yourself with it on a hot day.) Hey! I didn’t steal it. This is the manual enviro-cool system. The other one’s “automatic.”

I think I should have stickers made (in bright yellow, with the words “new” and “exclusive” in big red letters), and stick them on the book covers. Do you think it will work? I think I’ll share the idea with Parthian’s marketer. You will let me know if you come up with a newer, more exclusive angle, won’t you? 🙂


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